After a difficult start to the season I decided to avoid any more recapping of the Hornets loss. I do not want to preview the Pistons game either. Instead I am keeping the mood light around Celtics Bandwagon with an amusing gimmick. What gimmick you ask? Well it probably started with Bill Simmons comparing the cast of Cheers, Seinfeld or 90210 to a sports team’s roster. It strikes me as the type of thing Chuck Klosterman partook in at least once. Now everyone does it, which can be bad and good. For example Dime Magazine recently raved about new intern Chris Jirau’s extensive wrestling knowledge. They let him parlay said knowledge into a
NBA vs. the WWE feature, which turned out a lot like nude beaches – great in theory but inherently flawed. I say this because Jirau’s wrestling knowledge did not come through in the piece. Furthermore, he compared LeBron James to Randy Orton. Even I can put aside my bitterness over LeBron’s no show in Manchester last month and say that comparison is ludicrous. Who the hell is Randy Orton? On the flipside, last spring McSweeney’s had a brilliant
column about the ultimate fantasy baseball team, comprised of Nintendo characters. Basically it just took me 200+ words to say that I am going to compare Celtics players to Nintendo characters. Enjoy.
Tony Allen (Frog Suit from Mario 3) – I decided that I it was more appropriate to compare Allen t
o the frog suit than to an actual character. Both the frog suit and Allen h
ave their specialties, swimming and defense respectively. While the frog suit allows the player the option of staying afloat in one position instead of sinking and the ability to swim much quicker than usual, Allen gives the Celtics a lock down perimeter defender. Now if Doc Rivers were playing Mario 3 he would use the frog suit for land levels instead of the raccoon suit, which clearly belongs there, because he does not believe in rotations and roles. Yeah the frog suit gets by because of its leaping (think Tony Allen put back dunks) but its slow hopping speed (think Tony Allen dribbling) is clearly not a strength. Similarly Allen would be better off if Doc sent him into a game and simply said, “Shut down player X.” I can dream. Interesting side note: It’s hard for me to describe how huge Super Mario 3 was. But I can try. Nintendo had a movie made, The Wizard, to help sell the game.
Ryan Gomes (The medium sized guy from Ice Hockey) – Think about it. The medium guy didn’t h
ave the crazy slap shot or the physical presence of the fat guy. Nor did he posses
s the lightning quick speed of the thin guy. However, the medium guy was a solid all around player and he got the job done. That’s Gomes to a T. While he may be a tweener, the former Providence standout has a nose for the ball and does the little things well. He’s the kind of guy you like to have on your team (I always played with at least 2 medium guys). Finally while other flashier ice hockey games got more attention (Blades of Steel, a.k.a Gerald Green), Ice Hockey was legit. If you’re not reminiscing about taking down the Soviet Union or terrorizing Czechoslovakia, I’m not sure this is the right blog for you.
Gerald Green (Excitebike) – People got hooked on the game because of the jumps bu
t over time came to realize the racing was pretty solid. The same can be said for Gerald’s all around game. However, the biggest similarity has to be the debate over the worthiness of both. I personally thought Excitebike was a terrible game. I would take R.C. Pro Am any day of the week. Yet other people passionately defend it. Just like Gerald. Some view him as a Tracy McGrady type while others see him as an evolutionary Kedrick Brown, which is not a good thing. Personally, unlike Excitebike, I believe Gerald is the real deal. Unfortunately he’s still in the phase of his career where we’re he’s only getting garbage time dunks. To draw an Excitebike parallel, it’s like customizing a course with tall ramps and repeatedly jumping them.
Al Jefferson (Paperboy) – I decided against RoboCop who like Big Al did not jump. And even though Jefferson
can not play his low post game until given the ball and RoboCop
could only shoot guns at certain times (probably the worst feature of that game) it just was not enough. So I decided on the protagonist from Paper Boy. Both Jefferson and the paperboy are young. They have bouts with injuries, be it crashing into a kid on a skateboard or having ankle surgery, and they have flashes of brilliance amidst many errors. Missing mailboxes and damaging property, such as windows, often overshadow the paperboy’s delivering skills. Meanwhile, Al does not always show off his offensive repertoire because of foul trouble, conditioning issues (thankfully behind him), and defensive struggles.
Michael Olowokandi (Bowser) – This was not easy although I was definitely influenced by Britt Robon’s (Via True Hoops) mind boggling coverage of Timberwolves’ owner Glen T
aylor airing Minnesota’s
dir
ty laundry. Here’s one quote which was really a diamond in the diamonds, “Very seldom do you see someone with such poor relationships with the other players" – Glen Taylor on Michael Olowokandi. Unfortunately for Olowokandi, Mark Blount’s departure left a vacancy at the evil position. And the Kandi Man and Bowser do have some things in common. Bowswer was huge, crashed the party so to speak (kidnapping and terrorizing) and eventually made peace with the gang (think Mario Tennis). Similarly Olowokandi is huge, essentially invited himself to camp and then made peace with the organization (did not get cut). And in both cases you better have something –
stun gun (Olowokandi) or fireball (Bowswer) – other than your bare hands if you want to take them out. If the Bowser comparison isn’t doing it for you then how about Zelda II, which did not live up to the hype generated by The Legend of Zelda in the same way Olowokandi did not justify his #1 overall selection in the NBA draft? Interestingly I have not heard of any problems between Olowokandi and other Celtics. Maybe I’ve been too harsh.
Ken
drick Perkins (Bolo from Double Dragon II) – Kendrick does a few things we
ll – rebound, set picks, intimidate and play physical. Unfortunately the physical play gets him in foul trouble and limits his court time. Similarly Bolo only appears in half the Double Dragon II levels. And when he does his repertoire is potent – kick, punch, toss over the shoulder move – and limited.
Paul Pierce
(Christian Okoye) – I thought long and hard about comparing Paul Pierce to Mario. And in a lot of ways it makes sense. Pierce is the face o
f Celtics while Mario carried the Nintendo franchise for years. Also amidst their general excellence, both had their low points. For Mario it was Super Mario 2 where he was out of shape and embarrassingly eclipsed by Luigi, Princess and Toad. (That would be like Wally, Olowokandi and Scalabrine outplaying The Truth for a whole season). For Pierce it was the 2005 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals against the Pacers. Furthermore, Mario has an evil cousin, Wario, and Pierce’s evil alter ego played for the Celtics during the 2003/2004 and 2004/2005 seasons. However, I can’t compare Pierce to Mario just yet, even after 19 rebounds. He has to take the Celtics to the next level. Until then he is Christian Okoye from Tecmo Super Bowl. Not that being the “Nigerian Nightmare” or “Okoye the Destroyer” is a bad thing. However, the Chiefs star running back was clearly a step below Bo Jackson (LeBron) and Barry Sanders (Kobe). Long story short this is a big season for the Captain. Will he make the leap to Mario status?
Leon Powe (The Warrior from Dragon Warrior) – In the game each person has the ability to name
the protagonist who simply goes by the Warrior otherwise. And once you get past
that you mainly come across a plethora of “yes” and “no” answers because the Warrior is not a big speaker. That simplicity is evident in Powe’s businesslike approach. And while the Warrior has a noble cause in Dragon Warrior – rescuing princess Gwaelin – Powe out shines him in his relationships with his siblings. Finally, Powe is referred to as a warrior at times.
Theo Ratliff (Lizzie the Godzilla character from Rampage*) – I chose Lizzie because
after the first couple of levels you know what to expect: a lot of destruction, a small chance of dying and losing the game, and an unsatisfying ending. In my preview of the Celtics roster I had the following analysis of Theo: “Ratlif
f will be limited on offense, play some good defense and not appear in all 82 games.” Well Ratliff started the season in civilian clothes. However, after watching Ilgauskas toy with him in Manchester I’m not sure the defense is a given anymore. One more point on Rampage. It was one of those rare games where you could not debate the merits of the journey vs. victory because they were both a let down. Let’s hope the Celtics’ season does not follow that blueprint.
* Notice how I deftly avoided a Dikembe type moment. That’s why I get paid the big bucks.
Allan Ray (Marty McFly) – I like Allan Ray too much to compare him to Toad, even if his unins
piring appearances to date made it at least a plausible thought. So I’
m using Marty McFly from Back to the Future instead. This isn’t to say that Ray is a loser. Rather this is a condemnation of the Back to the Future game. It was inherently flawed and never lived up to the success of the movie. Currently I worry that Ray’s college and pro career could follow a similar path. Hopefully he develops into a shooting specialist that fills a much-needed role on the squad. We’ll see.
Rajon Rondo (Yoshi) – I’m a little concerned about Rajon only because everybody loves
him and he’s
inexpeirenced. However, he is clearly the Yoshi of this group and hopefully this season will be his coming out party (think Super Mario World). As you may recall there was a lot of hype surrounding the release of Super Mario World, which was one of the first Super Nintendo games. Despite all the cool stuff that game had – Mario’s cape, 2 endings to the red levels, a more expanded game environment – Yoshi stole the show at times. And while he did not surpass Mario (this is why we need Pierce to make that leap), Yoshi did become an outright star. Rondo has that potential, especially if he can outperform Marcus Williams, Brandon Roy and Rudy Gay for ROY honors, to do the same.
Brian Scalabrine (Cover snapshots) – I decided that no one character embodies my feelings for Br
ian Scalabrine. And
even when I recognize the fact that Scalabrine is not as bad as we tend to think he is, does play in the NBA and went to USC (translation probably did all right for himself), he still drives me crazy by making way too much money, playing awkwardly and looking out of shape. And so I must compare Scalabrine to the Nintendo games that simply had a snapshot from the game on the cover. Those games were generally terrible. Ice Climber comes to mind. Excitebike may be the exception to that rule, depending where you stand on that game of course.
Wally Szczerbiak (Zitz from Battletoads) – Zitz, real name Morgan Ziegler, was t
he cerebral memb
er of the amphibious trio. The same is true for Wally who is coming off of knee surgery and, as Tommy aptly pointed out the other night, athleticism was never a huge part of his game. Also in looking for a comparison to Wally I needed a second banana. To an extent Battletoads fits that bill. I loved that game but a disappointing sequel followed and then nothing. Unlike Mario (yet again – step up Pierce) Zitz and company were not franchise players.
Sebastian Telfair (Great Tiger from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out) Great Tiger was a flashy fighter with dazzli
ng quickness who effectively went on the offensive. Unfortunately he was
undone by a glaring weakness – he tipped his punches. Telfair meanwhile, has his strengths as well. He’s fast and excels at dribble penetration, which is as much fun to type as it is to read. Unfortunately Telfair is derailed by turnovers, airport security, random robberies, jump shooting (I don’t care about the pre season) and according to the Hornets game at least, defending the pick and roll. Hopefully he can put it all together with the C’s and succeed where the Great Tiger could not – realizing his awesome potential.
Delonte West ( The Old Man from Zelda) – Delonte’s injury woes, such as his aching back, make him comparable to an elderly man. Also both can be helpful if you know how to use them. For example Delonte is not a point guard or a starter. He is better suited as a key sub off the bench. Meanwhile, the Old Man’s tips are helpful if you can use logic and apply them properly. Consider the following profound clues:
"Eastmost penninsula is the secret."
"Dodongo dislikes smoke."
"Digdogger hates certain kind of sound."
"There are secrets where fairies don't live."
"Eyes of skull has a secret."
Of course
Delonte possesses a good deal of wisdom as well, particularly when it comes to
romance.
Drinks: “Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine.”
Music: “So, I pick her up in my white convertible. From there, I'd have the music pumping on the radio. The Jim Jones pumping, you know, 'Summer in Miami' song pumping. Got to keep a little gangsta, you can't be too soft. You can't be in there playing some guy that's crying, talking about don't leave me and love me baby, wah wah and all that.”
Intimacy: “So Jim Jones pumping and then from there, wind blowing through the hair, boom, we get straight to the point -- we eat afterwards because I don't want to kiss no onions. I don't want to kiss you tasting like onions and steak and mushrooms and everything."
