- Three days into training camp Sebastian Telfair would have punched Brian Scalabrine in the face. This of course would be followed by team captain Paul Pierce yelling, “Hey, Bassy what you just did was shit!” Scalabrine would have responded by saying it was no big deal, taking a few days off and having a bad season.
- In fact Scalabrine would only play 25 games before shutting it down for the seaso
n. In the process he would confide in a teammate, “I do not like this Sebastian Telfair."- As the season progressed Telfair would not take playing behind Delonte West well. After a practice full of intense trash talking initiated by Telfair and physical play between the two, West would attack the Coney Island native in the locker room.
- Doc Rivers would be surprisingly cool after being embarrassed at home by the Knicks and letting one slip away on the road to the Cavs. He would not be dismayed by the C’s inability to stop point guards from having huge games, the anemic
displays against zone defenses and struggles with the pick and roll. Doc would not lose it until one of his players stole a bus driver’s nameplate. Ultimately this would lead to a players only meeting, a collection being taken to pay for the missing nameplate and no one admitting guilt, despite Doc threatening to make everyone walk to the game.- Clifford Ray would tell Doc he wanted to resign after an altercation with Mark Blount that revolved around Blount not working hard. Notice how I had to use Mark Blount because everyone on the current C’s roster works hard. I only included this to take another shot at Blount.
- People would scratch their heads as Doc let Wally Szczerbiak head to Key West instead of rehabbing his ankle while Michael Olowokandi flew to England in the midst of numerous medical DNPs.
- The head scratching would continue as Doc held a plane in Orlando for a tardy Theo Ratliff. Though out for the season due to injury, Ratliff would stroll on late with his golf clubs.
- Doc would slowly lose it and write notes to himself about the need to neutralize Larry Bird.
- Ultimately the C’s would finish 15-67. Doc would be moved upstairs and receive an extra $500,000 over each of the next 5 years.
- Despite good odds the C’s would fail to win the Greg Oden sweepstakes.
- Billy Donovan, who had come aboard with a monster contract expecting to get Oden, would clean house and then destroy the Celtics fans will to live. The highlight of the Donovan era would come in the form of an epic tirade about the negativity in Boston.
Name Association
Sebastian Telfair = Todd Day
Brian Scalabrine = Dino Radja
Paul Pierce = Rick Fox
Delonte West = Greg Minor
Doc Rivers = M.L. Carr
Clifford Ray = Dennis Johnson
Mark Blount = Antoine Walker
Wally Szczerbiak = Frank Brickowski
Michael Olowokandi = Dino Radja (in terms of rehabbing an injury out of the country)
Theo Ratliff = Pervis Ellison
Larry Bird = Larry Bird
Greg Oden = Tim Duncan
Billy Donovan = Rick Pitino
Obviously this works better in some cases than in others. For example I made Bassy Todd Day mainly because of the recent road trip where Telfair fell out of favor and rumors surfaced that he was not well liked within the locker room. Also much like Day, Telfair is not happy with his playing time. Theo Ratliff is Pervis Ellison because of their injured status although I can not envision Ratliff holding up a team plane. Scalabrine is Dino Radja because he was the best big white guy available. And so on. Overall the real point of this exercise was to recall a truly atrocious season . Michael Holley owes it to C’s fan to write a book on this. Even if he simply converted his column into a book, similar to how Bill Simmons wrote his. But I digress. My other point is that things are not that bad this season. Keep in mind that I was not old enough to really appreciate the Big Three Era. My defining moments as a Celtics fan are as follows:
1. Reggie Lewis’ death.
2. The 96/97 team, which almost made me give up on basketball all together.
3. Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker’s run to the Eastern Conference finals.
4. The Rick Pitino era.
5. Red Auerbach’s death.
It’s not a fun list. But when I watched Al Jefferson and Gerald Green last night I could not help but get excited. It’s going to be a streaky, difficult year but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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